I used to be such a big dreamer. I had so many dreams. I wanted to do this, wanted to be that, wanted to achieve so many things... but the dreams faded and died and now I'm left without a single dream to follow. It's sad when you don't have any dreams to fulfill. Makes your life empty and meaningless. You just go day to day, living a life that means nothing because you are only living for the sake of living.

I'm telling myself, that I need to dream again. Even if it's just a little dream... but dreams are something that I just don't have the heart for anymore, on account of so many broken ones.

I know once-upon-a-time I was a big dreamer and I remember how good it feels when you have dreams to accomplished. How it makes your life just a little bit more interesting and exciting... but I also remember what happens when those dreams had to be set aside, or was crushed, or simply died... it makes you bitter and cold and gives you plenty of heartache.

The pros and cons of having dreams. Sometimes I think the cons outweigh the pros.

But life without dreams... what life is that? Empty. I know. 'Cause that's what my life is like right now without any dreams to aspire to... Maybe... just maybe... i'll dream again one of these days...

I'm graduating tomorrow. Hooray to me. Never thought this day would come. Tomorrow in my maroon robe i'll go on stage and receive my scroll. Life is supposed to be wonderful, but I don't know... I wish I could live in my fantasies. Life is so wonderful there. But I can't. I have to face reality. And reality is life isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I have no Nick in my life. And that really sucks.

But back to the convocation tomorrow, I'm gonna have fun . I hope. This is my day. I will own it.

Toodles peeps.

Now that i'm about to graduate with a BA English degree, all anyone can think of is my job as a teacher. My dad is shoving job adverts under my nose and the positions are all for english teachers. SHEEESH.

I hate teaching. I took up an English degree to be a writer or something.... but no. IT's of to the teaching profession I am. How sad.

Sadder still for the students I would have. they have a teacher who hates teaching.

Maybe something else will turn up? Who knows. I could get lucky.

Life still bites but i'm moving on. Being mollified by my surroundings. At least i still have my blog site for my lamentatitions. Even if nobody else cares about me. I have this blog site. Lol. I sound so pathethic.

Still missing nick. But have to accept the fact that he's gone. That he was never there to begin with. Just me in my delusions thinking he was there.

What's the big deal. So I thought in my manic days that we were in contact when we actually weren't.... nothing new there.

Gotta go.

Fantasy is, I love Nicky so much it hurts. Reality is the same. Only the difference is in the fantasy I have him in my life. That's the slight difference between my fantasy and reality.

Sad isn't it? Even sadder that it's so hard for me to move on to the real deal. That Nickuy doesn't exist and neither does taj. I'm a 26 year old loner with no boyfriend to speak off. Getting marriede, hah.

Fantasy talking again. I am so pathethic.

Fighting depression and alternating manic state is nopt an esay task. Sometimes all I want to do is die, but I have to say that life is worth living.... if only because my sister says so hehehehehe....

The truth is, I don't know why life is worth living. Right now I'm fightimg ogff a major depression. I don't know how to go on... but I do it everyday simply because I have a family who loves me througfh thick and thin.

I hope life will be better soon... but whose to say? Life is what you make of it and righjt now i'm in a daze. Sorta droping back into reality with a jolt. A reality without nicky is hard to bear, but bear it I must. So there's lifa left to live yet even, as i said before, it's only on my sister's say so.

The fantasy.....

Nick Carter is my everything, best friend, lover, fiancee, boy friend... my everything. My knight in shining armour.

The reality...

Who is Nick Carter really? Does anyone really knows? And who am I ? I'm still questioning myself.

Who do I want to be? And what have I become.

Nothing and nobody.

Life is a constant fight against schizoid tendencies. Trying to put a different spin on things just doesn't work.

Two major thing in my life today. Never gone is released and MJ is acquitted of all ten charges. Good for MJ. I knew from the first he'd be acquitted. But those were worrisome time for the whole family. My concern goes to Taj especially.

And never gone. The day I promiseed myself I'd go out and read the dedication. That tells you something. If I have to go out and get it like any other person than what am i?

A fan.

How disparaging.

And Taj too is gone I believe.

It is time for this chick to step into reality, how ever nasty the reality is.

I'm 26 and heading nowhere. What can I say? So much for the wedding in August. I'm trully gone.

Forsaken once again. And to whose arms do I run to this time?

God olny knows.

Okay enough about Nick and Me. I refused to believe in an insubstantiated dream. If it is meant to be we'll find a way back to each other's heart. But for now, Nick is Nick and I'm letting go of him. I can't bear the doubts, the thoughts of am I going crazy all the time. I still love him, still want to marry him, but right now he is silent as a tomb and I can't bear it.

So forget NIck. And taj for that matter. Right now I'm single and I'm searching. If it's meant to be we'll find a wya. If it's not what harm was living in dreams did to me? Nothing but the tears and tension of crying all night. I'm through with that.

I have my own life to live. He has his. Maybe destiny has a different fate for us. Maybe this time my dream is just that a dream and not a prophetic omen of the future.

But right now thinking of nick is stressing me out. I have to let go of him.

Until June 14 and never gone comes out. I'll c what I need to see then. Now for NIck

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You figure it out

You are smart. you are a bloody genius. you figure out how upset i am and then you get back to me.

Nickolas gene is my best friend, my lover my everything and still there are others who would refute this fact. They are spiteful and jealous and I don't know how to overcome it. The wedding is in august and I don't know how to bear with it until then. I'm lonely without nick and I know nick is just the same. I'm in terrible trouble.

I hope life is going to be as wonderful as promissed. I miss nick. Life is horrid without him. Won't people bug off and leave Nick and myself alone.?

Dear Nick,

God only knows where you are. I hope you are safe. I hope you are happy and having fun without me. I miss you and I wish you a safe journey home. Whereever home is for you. I miss you and I love you.

Hani C.

PS Girls we are still just engaged. Marriage is in august I hope if nothing goes wrong.

Nick is busy with life and so am I. I'm missing him so much. I keep creating this fantasy life to make missing nick bearable. Here's the truth. I'm 26 this 13 may. I'm A BA Hons graduate in English minoriong in l;iterature. I have this fantasies to keep my self upbeat and not so depressed. I don't even know if my bf is really Nick Carter. But I do have one. He is real and he is special to me. Nick says it's really him, but I'mnot positive. He's playing a gig on my birthjday. I'm waiting for never gone to come ouit to see whether nick carter is really my bf. I 'll know from the dedication. Right now I'm living in fantasy. Jujst waiting for June 14.

In the meantime world leave Nick Carter alone for he trully is my boyfriend. He says so himself from his e-mail address. Girls consider nick married to me. I'm soryy. I'm tormented thinking he's with someone else. I have nightmares. PS I am dying. I have PCOS and endimetriosis. Don't even know if I'm spelling it right.

So world be kind to me and nick. We are miserable being apart with each other

Hani out